Helping Adopted Teen Learn to Trust Again

Past Rita Brhel , managing editor and zipper parenting resource leader (API)

Parenting during the teenage years is as trying on the young adult as it is on his parents. But if your child was adopted or if you're fostering, the teenage years tin be an especially tough time equally your child tries to sort out his identity without knowing his nascency parents or understanding the reasons why his nascence parents are not a bigger office of his life.

Who Am I? Where Do I Belong?

As the teen years loom, many parents anticipate that their child volition take some difficulties, mayhap more than and so than teens who are living with their birth parents, in answering these questions. Gloria Hochman and Anna Huston list a few questions parents inquire themselves in this period of time, which will ultimately prove just every bit difficult on the parents as their child, in their article "Parenting Your Adopted Teen" at Focus Adolescent Services, FocusAS.com:

1. Will a sense of abandonment and rejection supplant feelings of security and comfort?
2. Is my kid behaving in a style that reflects inner turmoil well-nigh the past?
3. Volition beingness adopted make boyhood harder for my child?

How Can Parents Aid?

Nothing about these questions is simple, but Hochman and Huston do have a couple tips that make the teen years easier on your child:

• Don't ignore the fact that your child was adopted — Being adopted is an undeniable function of her history, and how she learns to deal with it volition continue to impact her in the future.
• Don't underestimate your kid's abilities to sort out their own challenges – Trust that your child can successfully confront and resolve his identity bug, as yous offer extra support in areas that have on special meaning for him.

These special areas include:

• Identity germination – Non knowing almost her nascence parents can make your kid question who she really is, and it's a real challenge every bit they try to sort out which character traits come up from which set of parents. It becomes even more than difficult equally your teen tries to sort out the traits that are genetic or wants answers to questions you may non have, such as: Where did I go my musical talent? Did anybody in my family accept spectacles or curly hair? What is my ethnic background? Do I have brothers and sisters?
• Fear of rejection and abandonment – Your teen may suddenly become afraid of leaving dwelling. Other teens may want to reconnect with their birth families to accept their questions answered: Where did I get my writing power or my height? Did everyone in my family have to deal with acne? Some teenagers may worry, simply as their adoptive parents do, that they have a tendency toward an unhealthy behavior or mental illness and would feel more comfy knowing more about their birth parents' tendencies.
• Issues of command and autonomy – This is a normal struggle for all parents and teens, just it may be more than intense for your adopted teen who feels, specially, that his life's management has always been based on someone else'due south decision: His birth female parent made the decision to place him for adoption; you made the decision to adopt him.
• Feelings of non belonging – These feelings arise when your teen cannot identify the source of her traits such as her red hair in an adoptive family unit of brunettes or a Hispanic ethnicity in a family unit of Native Americans or an creative talent in a family unit of math whizzes. These feelings often showtime arise every bit her friends begin to question her differences (or similarities, mistakenly) to her adopted family. If her friends do know that she is adopted, she may struggle with answering questions such as: Who are your existent parents, and why didn't they continue you? These feelings of dubiety then fall back to their secure feelings toward her adoptive family – she may not experience similar a "real" fellow member of the family or that you love her as much equally you honey (or would accept loved) your biological children.
• Heightened marvel near the past – Your teen will think more than about how his life would have been unlike had he grown up with their birth parents or had been adopted past another family. This is a healthy exploration of his past and necessary to helping him larn means of coping with the realizations that some possibilities have been lost.

Parents Demand to Be Aware of Their Own Emotions

Parents take their own stiff emotions and need to recognize and understand them first before they can support their teen:

• Anger or frustration at your teen's anger – Your child may get very angry toward you. He may withdraw, run away, or act-out toward y'all. Understand that near teens have difficulty in handling acrimony, and that expressing anger is ofttimes the only way any teen knows how to deal with other potent, even more painful, emotions such equally disappointment or guilt. For more information on helping your teen deal with acrimony, run across The Attached Family unit article, "Dealing with an Angry Teen."
• Fright about your teen'southward by – You may struggle with concerns centering on issues from your child'south past, such every bit exposure or family history of alcoholism, drug corruption, or mental illness. You may accept a heightened fear toward your teen'south sexuality and view of parenthood. You may wonder what would happen if your daughter became meaning or your son got someone else pregnant – how would their birth mother'southward choices influence their choices?
• Hurt about your teen wanting to seek out her birth family – You may 2nd-guess how you lot raised her  – did you do a proficient enough job? Is at that place a problem in your attachment with her?

Mind, Support, Affirm

Adopted children, even those who have been in their adoptive families since birth and who have secure attachments, can feel a sudden emptiness when they hitting the teen years, explicate Hochman and Huston. Encourage your child to talk about her feelings and endeavour to support her emotionally, even if you lot don't fully understand what she'due south going through.

Parents of adopted teens who are struggling with feelings of not belonging in their family, especially those of transracial adoptions, may benefit from learning almost their nativity family's ethnicity and culture. Parents can help them celebrate by supporting this quest for information, talking about their feelings equally they explore this part of their past, and spending time with other families of the same ethnic background every bit their teen.

At habitation, parents of transracially adopted teens – or whatsoever adopted teens who are struggling with wanting to belong – tin can benefit when yous point out any similarities between family members, such equally "Everyone in our family loves to sleep late on the weekends" or "Mom and you are both true cat lovers."

But, Kenneth Kirby, PhD, of Northwestern University's School of Medicine'southward Department of Clinical Psychiatry in Chicago, says that the most constructive technique parents of adopted teens can use is their listening skills. The families where adopted teens volition have issues are those where the parents insist that an adopted parent-child relationship is no different than a biological relationship. Teens practise better when their parents acknowledge their fears and uncertainties and allow them to express their grief, anger, fear, and other strong emotions.

Families that encourage open communication will have an easier time than others who may have to rely on professional counseling to support their teen. Many states also offer adoptive parent support groups or mail service-adoption workshops to help parents better connect with teens. It's the parent's responsibility to encourage a supportive atmosphere for the teen to hash out his emotions, and especially if open communication is non a norm in your family, you lot volition demand to initiate these discussions.

For More Information

• API Forum
• API Support Groups
• Adhere (Clan in the Handling and Grooming in the Attachment of Children)

"Parents who recognize that their teens have two sets of parents and who don't experience threatened by that fact are more than likely to found a more than positive environment for their teens, one that will brand them feel more than comfy to express their feelings," explicate say Hochman and Huston. "Secrets take a lot of free energy. When in that location is liberty to discuss adoption problems, there is much less of a brunt on the family."

Seek Cooperation, Not Control

Because of their ain fears and potent emotions, parents take a tendency to desire to control their teen'due south choices, but Anne McCabe, a post-adoption specialist at Tabor Children's Services in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, explains that teens need the freedom to develop their personalities and identities: "Kids meet it every bit, 'You don't trust me.'"

McCabe advises parents of adopted teens to use positive bailiwick techniques in working toward solutions to disagreements between the parent and the child. The goal is to build trust between the parent and child. She suggests parents and children work together to identify options in dealing with areas of conflict such equally schoolwork, chores, choice of friends, pick of leisure time activities, and curfew. Only equally Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish explain in their book, How to Talk And so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, McCabe explains that the best solutions are those in which both the parent and the teen come to an agreement on what constitutes trustworthy beliefs and what the consequences will be of untrustworthy behavior.

Always Consider the Possibility of Professional person Help

Parents of adopted teens – especially if they were adopted at an older age – may be confronted with serious challenges such as extremely low self esteem and astringent emotional and behavioral difficulties, co-ordinate to Hochman and Huston. These are often the results of a by of corruption or neglect and broken attachments throughout their young lives as they were moved from foster domicile to foster dwelling. Information technology tin be extremely difficult for them to learn to trust adults who, in their past, were unable to encounter their emotional needs and had cleaved any attachments they once had.

In addition, teens adopted at an older age bring with them the memories of these broken attachments. Hudson and Hochman propose allowing your teen to talk about these memories with you as well as with a professional counselor. Working through the emotions surrounding these memories is essential to getting your kid to a bespeak where he volition be able to create and maintain emotionally salubrious relationships.

Seek out professional person help if you observe whatever of the following behaviors in your son or daughter:

• Substance or alcohol abuse
• Troubles in school, such as a drastic drop in course or skipping classes
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Risk-taking
• Suicidal threats or attempts.

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Source: http://theattachedfamily.com/?p=1934

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